jamie_cakes

The best friend I thought I had, doesn't really exist.  I guess it was only a friend I spent a lot of time with, and shared a lot of secrets with.  I'm not okay to pretend to be someone I'm not to people who are wasting their lives away doing the pointless things in life that won't matter later on.  I'm going to be someone someday, someone big, someone worth saying WOW about.  No, I'm not going to be famous, I'm not going to be the richest person, but I'm going to make a difference.  I'm going to make a big difference.  I don't know when, I don't know how, but that's what I have my heart set on.  I should have realized awhile ago this best friend I thought I had was only a longing I was searching for, someone I was pretending to share so much in common with, when in reality, someone else completely took that position.  Don't get me wrong, I love both people, but one just supports me in more ways than the other ever could, probably because they share the most important thing in life, my faith in Jesus Christ.  If you ever decide to read this, I think you'll know who you are right away, I still love you and will support you, but I can't support the decisions you have been making.  Yes, I'll love you through it, but I won't encourage you, and unfortunately, I think that's when our friendship will end because I'm not anything like the person you are becoming.  I think there will come a day when you get tired of me being the 'party pooper' and want to move on in life with people who agree with your decisions.  It's gonna be so hard to see you go off to school in a few days, but I love you so much.  Thanks for being such a great friend, but please don't loose sight of anything..  Don't let partying consume you to become the person I know you aren't.  Don't come back a completely changed-for-the-worst person.  I believe you can overcome that and be so much better than the typical student.  But, if that's what you want in life, I'm not going to judge you for who you've become, I just have to say, I had you figured out all wrong.

I've realized, I don't give myself enough credit.

I feel like I'm settling for something so small that doesn't deserve me.

Not in a cocky way, I'm probably the least cocky person, but I'm learning to become more confident in myself, it's so important.

It's weird. When I stay home for a little bit my mind races.

Oh well, whatever.

I'm out for my best friends 18th birthday. =).

I find myself sitting in front of the computer with jumbled thoughts about life as a whole. I just needed to get everything out..

Graduation - May 31st.
I absolutely cannot wait. When I first began high school, I thought it was going to be one of the most emotional points in my childhood as I close one chapter of my life to move on to the next... College. However, these past four years have been fun, but more drama, and stress than I could have ever imagined... I learned so much through people God placed in my life and I wouldn't have changed the experience for anything, but I'm sooo more than ready to move on. I'm ready to begin writing the next part in my story. This time next week, I will officially be Cooper City High School Alumni.

College - Nova
I registered for housing today... I can't believe I'm moving out of the only house I've known on this Earth.. It's becoming so real.. I feel like everyday there's something else I need to do for college. It's coming so quickly.  I went to the mall yesterday and wore my first Shark t-shirt. It felt nice to represent my new school. I find out in a few weeks if I received the last scholarship I applied for- a leadership one... I hope I get it. I wanna be soo involved and this is a great opportunity to become part of the Shark Link. I'm kinda nervous also. I'm not moving far from home, but it's something that's going to be completely different. I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle everything... With my job, school, and becoming more involved in the church, on top of extracurriculars at school, and friends and family... It should be very interesting... I just can't forget to include God in all of it... Because whenever I leave Him out, everything gets screwed up...

Alcohol
Everyday I remember why I hate alcohol so incredibly much. It's those days when I get home and I just try to avoid the rest of my house because I know the conversations are gonna be so utterly ridiculous. They end in arguments because I have no patience for alcohol abuse. I have a great family with parents who raised me so well... They taught me one thing that is very close to the top of the list, and that is to never, ever, ever, abuse alcohol, or any other drug for that matter because it completely destroys relationships within in the home. It ruins respect and so much more. I remember why I don't really care to come home on weekends because it's worse. I guess college is just another way I can get away from it all and maybe develop a stronger tolerance and patience for people who need some help.

Friends
The last few days have really opened up my eyes to things going on around me... I realized there's very few friends that I care to keep in contact with once the college days begin, and very few that would care to keep in touch with me. I'm understanding more and more that it's okay because the few are amazing. I realized how much I care about one person, and how much it kills me not to talk to them. In a few weeks that will all have passed, hopefully.

For now, I just gotta keep moving on... I gotta keep my head held high. I gotta continue to thank God for blessing me so much everyday of my life.. I gotta keep Him number one and everything else will just fall into place..

That's my hope, that's my prayer, that's His promise..

Stop it.
Stop changing your mind.

It's not what you probably think.

 

Everything is soo great. Just a little frustrated with people who shouldn't bug me.

...I just want to be loved...

As I was sitting in my room today, alone, I really started to think about my life and read old notes I've written.

It made me happy to see how much happiness this past year has brought me, but sad because I haven't been doing my part to keep it that way. I stopped reading my Bible completely which really irritates me. I let my obnoxiously-busy-for-no-reason-life get in the way of quiet time with the Maker of the Earth which has left me feeling so completely selfish and almost worthless. 

In a note I posted online, a really, really good friend responded. It said so many beautiful things and I wish I saw that more often. It made my heart smile so big. I forgot what that feeling felt like. I feel like if I would take more time out for more people, maybe more words could be exchanged like that. And I could give those compliments to others. But then again, part of me feels like maybe I haven't been investing my time into the right people. I don't mean anything towards the friends I have because I truly do love each and every one of them.. But I feel like maybe I should be investing my time into people who share the same heartbeat I do.. I've noticed a lot of my friends falling into things I would rather not be associated with, and refuse to be for that matter... But if they chose to live their life for those temporary pleasures, soon enough I won't have very many things in common with them.

The truth of the matter is, I really want to meet new people.. I'm just not really sure how or where.

 

I'm actually really excited about the new year...
New beginnings..

2009 = GRADUATION

That's enough to make me excited.

I can't wait for fall, to start college. By then I won't have any more decisions to make about schools. Or scholarships..

Thank God.


Have a safe and wonderful New Year's. Love. =).

So much has been racing across my mind lately I don't even know where to begin...


I haven't posted here in what feels like ages.. But tonight, I just felt something push me to come to this site.. It could quite possibly be the amount of boredom that's consuming me or maybe it's procrastination at its finest... Regardless, I'm here...


College.

It's such a big decision that I'm not ready to make..
I thought I had my mind set on going to Nova.. But I feel so much doubt and I'm soo scared of making the wrong decision..
The more and more people I talk to, the more doubt I feel...
Then.. I think about all the other schools I have the option of attending and I find doubt there too..
I feel like I can't ever win.. and be completely happy...

• If I go to Georgia Tech, like my family's dream for me is, it's soo far away, and sooo expensive; on the contrary, it's a wonderful school that I'd probably get the best education at.
• If I go to NOVA it's sooo close to home, but I don't know if I'd be going there for all the right reasons.. I'm kinda debating if I want a change of scenery also.. Nova is the college experience in my backyard, but I think I'm okay with that..
• Then there's UCF, USF, & FGCU. Off the bat, FGCU is out of the question... UCF & USF are two good schools in major cities meaning there's a lot to do, but I'm sooo scared of going alone. I'm an outgoing person, and meet new people pretty easily, but I'm so afraid of stepping out of my box so quickly... These schools are a decent drive away from home, yes, they can be for a weekend trip, but honestly, do I need to go so far away to be "free"? I feel like I have everything I need right here..

Honestly, I think the thing really weighing on my heart is my church. I don't know if that's where I'm growing. Honestly, I don't think I'm really growing at all. I want to find a new home, but I'm scared. So scared. I really don't like church shopping because I feel like I never get anywhere. But, once I'm in college, do I want to stay somewhere my heart's not 100% in? I'm really confused.

I was talking to someone today that attends USF as a sophomore, and he said that there isn't really anything on campus worth going to in order to grow spiritually... I don't know if that's alright with me.. I really want to get involved in an IV program or something with a group of people my age to meet people who have the same beliefs and values I have..


Ugh.. I wish God would straight up tell me, "Jamie, go to ________" It would make things soo much easier. I don't have a gut feeling.. All I have is a bunch of mixed emotions that don't seem to be getting me anywhere..


On a good note, everything else in my life is soo amazing. I'm super excited about graduation.. and what's going to happen after.. I just wish I knew what that would be..

I'm not complaining.. Just thinking... So much.. I wish I could make a decision, and feel confident in knowing it was the right one..

I was feeling a little down today just about some situations of not feeling as if I'm being treated completely fairly.. And being upset as it was, I got in the car with a friend to drive home from a house && dogs we're watching. Long story short, there was a very important revelation that was made clear through the 25 minute drive home. 

As we were driving down the street less than a mile from the house we left, we managed to avoid the possibility of a very dangerous and scary accident. Since our society these days is always on the go (myself included) sometimes when driving, it's a careless thing to just switch lanes without really checking to see if where you're going is where someone else is.. Well, for me, not anymore. As I'm driving my 1991 Toyota Corolla and a piece of crap it is, an Escalade SUV proceded to merge into my lane only remaining about 2 feet from my car. As I swerved to the left (towards the median), slammed on my brakes, and layed on my horn, my heart was racing, my hands were shaking, and my eyes began to flood with tears. I can't tell you the last time I was so scared. The young boy, probably the same age as myself, swerved over in complete shock of what had just occured. Immediately after words began to flood out of my mouth (Oh my God) I prayed the shortest and simplest prayer, "Thank you God for keeping Jordan and I safe." As much as I hate my car, I know that if it were to be totalled, Jordan and I would have been as well. It's this little lesson that continues to race around in my head that God really is watching over me. Over EVERYTHING.

It's most revelent in a particular situation that I've had a really hard time handing over to Him... But I think this was a huge eye open-er that He has 100% control over me and is going to take care of me no matter what.. Whether it's on the road or on the roller coaster of life. I'm in the palm of His hand, at the top of His list. && may His will be done.. 

GOD, IT'S YOURS.

 
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly.

 Acts 1:7-11

⁸But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

    ⁹After he said this, he was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight.

    ¹⁰They were looking intently up into the sky as he was going, when suddenly two men dressed in white stood beside them. ¹¹"Men of Galilee," they said, "why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven."

 

Wow. I read this passage at the perfect time in my life... Acts 1:7 says, "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority." This has been a constant struggle in my walk with God the past few months. Sometimes it's so hard allowing God into your life enough to put 100% trust in Him to give Him all control over everything. As humans, we can't do everything alone. We want life to be easy and a joy ride the whole time. But God tells us that's not possible. We can't have everything we want when we want it. The path can't always be straight. There are going to be turns and forks in the road but God reminds us there is never a dead end. He will provide and guide us through everything on HIS time. He will never make us walk through life alone. However, we have to be willing to accept that. He promises us eternal life if we live completely sold out to Him. When we die, it's not the end. It's simply another path God is guiding us down. As long as we trust what He is doing for us is best and accept His timeline, we can live the way God inteded us to live.

James 1:2-3

This is a test. It's really a test of faith. In myself, in you, in us, in God. How strong am I really?
How much growing do I have to do?

I don't know where to begin.
My eyes have been open. 
This is going to strengthen me and change me for the better.
I know it's what's best, I know it's what's right, it's just soo hard.
I'm not ready for it.

I understand everything. 
Part of me just doesn't want to understand anything.
I feel like it would be so much easier that way.

But hey, it is what it is.. I'm ready to see where God takes me.

If it's not to you, so be it. You were a huge part of my life the past several months, and I care immensely about you.. But if you're not in my future, you're right, I need to establish myself.

I'm still so very young. I have so much going for me in this life... I thought you'd be there to walk beside me.. But I think this is a sign that I have a lot to do alone before I can ever walk beside someone like you and commit to such a large decision. I need to let you grow also so when day you can provide for the woman I know you can provide for. You have so much potential and that's why it's so hard letting go. I don't regret one thing. Know that you'll always be special to me.

We can do this. I have faith in us. Our relationship is so much more than the way I treated things today.
Let's give our lives back to God and see where He drives our cars. Maybe our paths will meet. Maybe we'll get to a fork in the road. Regardless of what it is, I am learning to accept it. He knows what's best. I have no clue.

Sometimes, tears are the only thing to sum up my emotion.
Sometimes, words just aren't enough to assure me everything is going to be okay.
Sometimes, I just need to be surrounded by those who love me to really seek out the truth.
Sometimes, I need answers that just aren't available.
Sometimes, I'm just so sad.
Sometimes, I feel like you are the only one that can bring a smile to my face.
Sometimes, the right thing just feels so out of reach.
Sometimes, I don't know how to handle anything going on in my world.
Sometimes, I need to let God take hold of my life.

I think that's where I was going wrong all along.
I need to stop justifying everything. 
Point blank. I need to let God drive my life, always. 
I can't do it alone.

Sometimes is a word that's too temporary to associate with a Creator as big as God. He's more than sometimes. He's eternal. He's always. Never-changing. Always there. Although, sometimes it just doesn't feel like knowing that is enough. It should be.

This is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be.

I think one of the worst feelings in the world is missing someone knowing you can't do anything about it.

I'm really struggling with it..

I want answers. So many answers.

I really love my life.
So much good is happening.
It's almost unreal.
Camp was absolutely amazing.. And I couldn't have expected anything better.
Everything really does happen for a reason.. 

I'm so blessed with all of the people God is placing in my life.
Honestly, butterflies have become an everyday occurance.
It's such a special feeling.

I can't put my emotion into words.
All I can say is, God is so good.

Lately I've found myself with little to do, and in turn, I've been spending a lot of time to myself thinking, reading, watching movies, and just surfing the net. It's interesting. I'm normally soo dependent and spending this much time alone drives me crazy. And it still does, but it's almost as if I'm okay with it. I know everything's gonna work out in the end. I was inspired to write.. Reading different people's blogs, seeing what's going on in peoples' worlds that I haven't spoken to in what feels like ages. I feel like this is a time for me to reconnect with people I've lost touch with because of the mass amount of stuff going on in everyone's lives. It's like there's never a minute to just talk.. Or reflect... Everything is always go, go, go, go, go. Up until a few weeks ago, I was the same way.. Then things changed, and I didn't want to do anything, with anyone... When I started going out again, I realized how different it was to be with other people... In a good way. Don't get me wrong though, I miss the way things were, a lot.. But at the same time, I'm learning soo much by others and the way they live their lives. I'm trying to be optimistic, and whenever I start to get upset I try to see the good in everything going on in my life. I think I'm learning a lot about myself as an individual as well. Being alone really helps me see things about myself that I normally would look past because I was always busy interacting with others. I think this period of time is gonna help me become more independent and less relient on other people. 

I'm not really excited to go away next week. But, I'm hoping and praying I have a good time, because, I have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time by myself... And then the other portion of the time with people I would normally not hang out with on a regular basis. So I guess I'll gain a lot from it. Also, I hope I grow a lot spiritually... I could really use a booster. 

I'm disappointed in myself... I really want to grow closer with my Savior, but I always make excuses and put it off.. I know it's my fault but it's like I just don't want to... It's one of those mixed feelings where part of me does, because I know I'd be so much happier, but part of me doesn't, because I know it takes a lot of work and time and dedication. I think I need to just make the leap though... I know I won't regret my decision...

This summer is going to be a lot more chill than those previous, but I think it has a lot of growth in store for me.. I'm excited to see where I am though. 

Hopefully, I'll be able to get a better idea of where I want to go to college too.. I'm really hoping that I get to go on a little road trip to tour different schools... That's another thing I need to stop putting off...

With all that's going on, ultimately, I think I'm just going to get a lot done that has to be done... Some housekeeping things... And for now, I think I'm okay with that...

I think I'll be done rambling... But I hope I keep updating this thing... I've found that I really enjoy writing more and more... It's cool...

Ohhhh... Another thing... I'm doing these online devotional things for a Website called Soulthirst... They're about 2 minutes long... And I think I might start posting them on here... In a written version because I don't know how to post video. But I think it will help keep me accountable for reading the Word. =).

Okay I'm done now... I hope all of you are doing well.. And I hope summer is going great for everyone...

Let's just say tonight my world was turned around.
And rocked completely.
I want to say unexpectedly, but in all actuallity I was waiting for it.
Along with other people.
However, I'm glad it happened.
I'm glad it happened now opposed to later. 
And I'm glad it happened the way it did.
I respect people so much more when they confront a problem.
Whether or not I agree with them. 
I'll listen. 
That happened to me tonight.
And I was reassured why I am the way I am.
But, I want to, and need to say thank you.
Thank you to all those who care about and love me enough to confront me when I'm wrong.
Thank you for having enough courage to help me change.
Thank you for investing so much time in me.
I need that.
I'm only sixteen. I have a life to live.
I'm still a kid. I need to start acting more of my age, and not be more mature beyond my years.

I need to be reminded of this though.
Not that anyone reads this, but if you do, please remind me to do the right thing.
And follow what the people who love me advise for me to do.
If anything, just refer me back to this entry on May 31, 2008 at 1:30 in the morning.

With that, I'm going to do some talking to God and get some well needed rest.

Goodnight.

 

Tonight, I realized just how much I don't like being alone. In fact, I kind of hate it. 
It leaves me feeling empty inside with my stomach wanting to come up my throat.
But, the reality is, there will be times when no one is around. When there isn't anyone there to talk to. 
However, the beauty is, we have a God who will never leave us nor forsake us. And He is there ready to wrap us in His love. 
As hard as that is to believe sometimes, it's so true. I have to remind myself of that all the time especially when I feel like there's no hope or no love. Because in society, so many times we are left asking "Where is the Love?" The truth of the matter is, the love is overflowing from our Savior who was nailed to a cross. We just have to believe that and live for Him. A thought cut short because I feel like this song just really sums up my every emotion at the moment.

"Can you hear me? Does anyone around me
Feel the way that I feel now?
Cause from the window where I sometimes cry
I just want to see Your face tonight
And I'm willing to lose everything I am

Cause I need you more than ever
I need Your help to find where I've been going wrong so far

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You're not alone.

When You're near me, I feel like I just found me
In the traces of the [girl] from yesterday
But in a world that is so black and white
I will take the steps to change my life
And I won't be coming back to here again

I need Your loving hand to guide me
Through the maze of all the things inside me
Then I'll know that I'm alright

Cause I need You more than ever
I need Your help to find where I've been going wrong so far

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You're not alone
Please help me get from worse to better
Before these tears soak through this lonely sweater
And let me know that I'm alright
I still have one strike of this match left
And I'm holding on to my last breath
And its getting a little dark around to see here

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You're not alone

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in your eyes
Hold on it will be alright
You're not alone

And You'll be here forever, forever You'll stay
And You promised to love me, You'll love me always
You'll love me for always, You'll love me for always
Always"


Sometimes, it takes lonliness to really focus on what's important because our minds really get to thinking about what we truly long for. And the majority of the time, it's not what we think we need.

Why  is it that we come down so hard on ourselves when things don't go our way?
Why can't we just learn from our mistakes and move on?

It's soo easy to put ourselves down instead of praise ourselves on a job well done.
That's what society teaches us. That unless it's perfection, it's not good enough. We're not good enough. I beg to differ though. I have a powerful and almighty God that sent His only Son down to this filthy and sinful world to live a PERFECT life and then die on a cross to forgive all of the future generations. We weren't meant to be perfect. God created us, He knows us by name, and He knows that we will mess up. That's what's soo amazing about what His Son did for us. He was crucified for our sins. He had no faults. He didn't need to die to save Himself but He cares enough and loves enough to give us the opportunity to spend eternity in heaven with Him. All we have to do is believe. 

I struggle with this too. Whenever I do something the wrong way, a few words such as, "Freaking idiot!" or "Stupid me." etc. tend to slip out. Whether or not I really think I'm stupid, God thinks I'm a beautiful child of His. He says my faults are okay. I'm not suppose to do everything right. Instead of focusing and sulking over my faults, I need to learn from them and move on. Accept what happened and grow from it.

Ultimately, everything happens for a reason. God will never throw something at us that He doesn't think we can handle. He makes us perfect through His perfection. That alone give me peace.

I'm constantly amazed, inspired, and impressed by all of the talents my friends profess. 
Ya'll are wonderful. Sometimes, it's just nice to be reminded.